A Sister's Social Agony

One thing that I resent about me being the oldest sister, and not growing up with a companion close my age, is the fact that I never had anyone to impress.  I didn't try to better myself or learn from someone else's mistakes.  I couldn't talk to my father about the things I was curious about because he expected me to find a way to figure it out on my own.  I chose not to talk to my mother about things because she had this side to her that I will always feel aggrieved about, where she made me feel embarrassed, making me believe that it was wrong to think the things I did, rather than explain and attempt to understand why I didn't want her to dress me, or why I didn't like interacting with kids my age, or why the thought of heaven scared me.

She got a kick out of that one.  I wasn't spoken to for an entire day.

I get so obnoxious and cheesy when it comes to having sisters.  For one, I think the idea of sisters fits my aesthetic preferences so much.  Maybe it has something to do with watching Madeline and the Parent Trap too much as a child.  Also, I get consumed with horrible pride whenever either of them comes to me with a question or some way to impress me.

When I was a few years younger, and still cruel to Sabrina, my dad would often berate me for this, and he would always find a way to let me know in the end of our conversation that all my sister wanted was "to impress me and have me like her".  My heart always broke and I ended the day being overly nice to her, which would then lead to me becoming angry and cruel again whenever she didn't reciprocate.

I made a pact with Sabrina over half a year ago.

We promise each other a lot of things, and I know that she can be very nonchalant about the things she tells me, and the things I tell her, but I make sure to keep it in my heart that I will stay true to my promises to her.

One of our pacts is to legally be drunk in front of one another for the first time.  This means that I will wait until she's 21 so that we can both be piss-drunk, as the kids say, This works out fine for me, considering how scared I am of alcohol.  We also plan to live together and try to become adults together for at least a little bit because we're not really sure how letting go of people works yet.

We went to Mexico recently to visit some family and see some prettyness and I got really emotionally attached to my camera and my sisters' beauty.  The end.

For The Morning After You Fell Asleep Crying

Recently I have cried a suffocating kind of crying three times and that number worries me but excites me as well.

I think any reminder that something mattered so much, you can't restrain your disappointment that it is gone, is beautiful.

I've noticed that I cry a lot.  I consider this, if I'll be honest with myself, a weakness.  I don't know if it's because I'm weak or if I just have an easily-moved heart.  I cry every time I hear Dreaming Of You by Selena.  I cried when Jess Aarons punched that bully after Leslie died in Bridge to Terabithia.  I cried when Ewan McGregor called his father-in-law in The Impossible (let's be real, I couldn't see, like, half the movie through my tears).  I sobbed one time when my friend told me I was special and it was actually kind of embarrassing.  I cry a lot.

The suffocating kind of cry that I'm talking about is really...  hurful, in a way.  I feel so sad about nothing in particular afterwards.  My head and my eyes always hurt.  I hate seeing myself in the mirror because I look weak.  It's the kind of crying where you can hear the tears coming out of you in a sort of bellowing fashion?  And you hunch over and you cover your face with your palms and you know there is snot all over them and you just imagine yourself in this corner of your world, and you know that someone out there is okay and doesn't have a reason to cry, and you wonder what your'e doing, heaving out your problems, and why won't anyone lightly knock at your door and place a comforting hand on your back?

I hope none of you experience that kind of crying.  And if you do, I hope the okay-ness comes sooner than later.

I kiss each of you on the top of the head.  Here's some Motrin.

LANA DEL REY | Pawn Shop Blues

BUTCH WALKER | Don't You Think Someone Should Take You Home

JANIS JAPLIN | Little Girl Blue

NICO | Eulogy to Lenny Bruce

BON IVER | Wash.

LYKKE LI | Time Flies

FIONA APPLE | Across the Universe

THE WHITE LIGHTS | A Place Where We Can Go

WILLIAM FITZSIMMONS | I Don't Feel It Anymore

SUFJAN STEVENS | All The Trees of the Field Will Clap Their Hands

BOB DYLAN | Don't Think Twice, It's Alright

THE KOOKS | Seaside

COEUR DE PIRATE | Someone to Watch Over Me

JOHNNY CASH | Redemption Day

CHET BAKER | I Get Along Without You Very Well

WILLIAM FITZSIMMONS | Goodmorning