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31 December, 2014

2014: A Round-Up of Half-Assed Thoughts

✍ CURRENTLY WRITING FROM: MANHATTAN, NEW YORK CITY

JANUARY 2014

Adults always get so mad and frustrated when they’re put on hold for more than two minutes and I always laugh, ‘cause literally, put me on hold for half an hour, I don’t care, take your time, there’s no rush I can practice how I’m even gonna greet you during this time.
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This morning I sat by myself in my room and Katy Perry’s Roar came on the radio and then I started to cry and then I threw my coffee away.






FEBRUARY 2014

I talk about “jumping his bones” a lot for a girl who’s four-foot-eleven.
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I saw Arctic Monkeys at Madison Square Garden.





MARCH 2014
The pizza delivery boy just recognized me.  I went downstairs to pick up my pizza and the delivery boy said “oh hey– it’s you!”  I’ve ordered enough pizza from the same place in close time-proximity for the pizza delivery boy to know who I am.  I am so unstable.  Someone help me.
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Neither of my parents ever got into listening to music recreationally in their entire lives, so they don’t know what they like, and it makes it very hard to be their friends when it’s what I want to talk about 84% of the time.
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Sometimes I wake up and I get these feelings of extreme love where I’m just sitting and then my sister will text me, or my friend will send me a message, or I hear someone outside my door, and I smile and I get so excited and my heart starts to beat really fast and I feel the need to express to them to the best of my ability how much I love them and this feeling radiates and spreads to every single lil' bit of my body and it takes up so much emotional energy but it feels good because you feel love. It’s so easy to forget the love people give us when we feel lonely.  But it’s always there.
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Last night I left a get-together and it took ten minutes to officially leave because it took all that time to kiss and say good-bye.  I missed Mexico.
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God, I am lying on my bed in my room and the wind is blowing the curtains softly and I can hear birds outside my window and cars coasting and I can feel the wind on my toes and on my shoulders and on the back of my neck, I missed this so much.
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Despite the pretty, there is always something hidden behind the picture frame. The wind blows softly, but once too cold and my hair stands on end. I can hear the cars and birds and the laughter outside, but it’s intermingled with sharp words and loud tones coming from the inside. There was me, and there is still me. I am my constant.
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I was exposed to the app Tinder tonight and via my friend's account I talked to two guys and that’s all I could take, the amount of boring, nails-on-a-chalkboard-painful slow conversations we were having were too much for my fragile self, boys desperate for feedback are pathetic at conversation.
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The godawful HIMYM finale.



APRIL 2014
I feel very wrong I feel very bad I feel like I’m suffocating I feel like I’ve exhausted the list of possible people who could help me and I’m stuck in the middle and I just constantly feel like I’m drowning or taking a shower with really cold water and I’m stuck inside my brain and I keep forgetting how to breathe and I’m very jumpy and I have to excuse myself a lot I am so scared and I don’t know where to go to next this is just a plea to the universe I think I don’t know I think I just need to physically record how scared I am so that I can feel validated at least somewhere.
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I wish I could be more assertive and specific about my feelings and what I need around other people but I am still too dependent and unsure and it’s been raining all day and this weather has been clouding my intellect so I can’t grow into a better person today.
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I’ve been crying a lot every single night, I didn’t think it was even possible to cry so many tears consecutively and the longer this goes on, the longer and more intensely I’m scared, and the more I grow scared makes me panic and I continue to isolate myself and none of this seems healthy I feel discouraged from trying to find an answer and I keep accepting this level of low but I can’t stop thinking about how scared I am and how this all reminds me of my childhood terrors how do I fix this how I fix this how do I fix this



MAY 2014
They opened up a Laduree in SoHo and I got goosebumps and had an adventure of my own.
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If someone were to take a picture of me right now they’d have the most honest representation of who I truly am:  I am literally eating a mini tub of chocolate gelato and there are hot tears on my face and there’s snot under my nose, absolutely incredible.
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I am having such an intense parallel moment to last semester– it is currently 5:00 am and I’m listening to Modern Vampires of the City and the lights are off except for my string of lights and I’ve been awoken by a strong bout of panic and I’m sitting upright trying to calm down and this happened last semester around mid December and this brought about some comfort, it feels like last-semester-me is giving present-me a hug.
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I fell asleep during my Art History final.





JUNE 2014
I just came back from walking around a town square in Rome, 6400 miles away from home, where I just ran into my sophomore year AP Spanish Language teacher? I can’t wrap my head around it, this is the third time we travel outside of the country where we come across an acquaintance from back home!
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Mexico vs Netherlands: I’m in my grandma’s house in Mexico and none of us are eating cause we’re too nervous.



JULY 2014
12 am thoughts:
+ It’s a frustrating defeat to not be able to cry the pain you feel out because you used up your tears, but there’s still leftover heartache inside.
+ I miss being able to divulge myself to another person and the excitement of hoping they understand me further as a person.
+ This headache that comes after crying furiously used to, for a small period, optimistically remind me that at least I’m not crying anymore, but tonight it feels like I cried, I want to cry some more, but I can’t, my body won’t cooperate, and all that’s left is throbbing pain at my temples
+ I cried to the crescent moon, hoping it would understand and cry for me, too. It just keeps staring blankly at me.
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I want to kiss your neck so badly, it’s such a constant itch… I sometimes feel guilty, because I don’t even want to kiss your neck for you but for me… I want to tangle my fingers in your hair and plant tiny kisses along your ear and play with your fingertips…
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It’s been dark and cloudy in San Diego and I feel floaty and beautifully empty.
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I felt so poor in spirit today. I cried while taking a bath in the afternoon and the hot tears felt so sad against my already sweaty skin. I was around friends tonight and I didn’t let myself feel their friendship. I was in the dark kitchen and before she walked out, my sister said “I love you” and I said “Thank you,” and she said “What for?” and I said “For loving me” and it didn’t sound as grateful or full of love as it usually would have. It sounded empty and pitiful and I’m so full of self-hatred and I don’t know where it’s coming from and usually I can steer my mind towards the right direction but presently I am so weak and deflated.



AUGUST 2014
August 6th-- TODAY I AM GOING TO AN ARCTIC MONKEYS CONCERT (TWICE IN ONE YEAR) EXCEPT I had a n i g h t m a r e of the concert last night where the band started to play a song I hadn’t even heard before and I couldn’t sing along and then halfway through the song they stopped playing because of technical difficulties and before we could react they started to pack up and told us to have a good one without apologizing and I woke up traumatized.
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JUST GOT BACK FROM ARCTIC MONKEYS
• NUMBER OF TIMES I CRIED: 3
• NUMBER OF TIMES ALEX ADDED ‘F*CK’ TO LYRICS THAT DIDN’T ALREADY INCLUDE 'F*CK’ : ??? EVERY SONG??
• EVERYONE IN THE AUDIENCE WAS HOT LITERALLY EVERY AUDIENCE MEMBER WAS SO HOT WALKING AROUND WAS LIKE GLIDING THROUGH A BEAUTIFUL COLLECTION OF REALLY ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE
• ARCTIC MONKEYS HAS THE MOST ATTRACTIVE FANBASE
• THIS IS THE SECOND TIME I’VE SEEN THIS BAND THIS YEAR GOOD!! GOD!!
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One of my biggest regrets is that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to give a quickly-delivered, clever and witty comeback because English isn’t my first language and I have to think these things through, otherwise it comes out jumbled :-(
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Robin Williams passed away today.  I can't formulate into words how scary and debilitating this news is.


I am so sad right now. I am so sad right now and disappointed with the way I handle sadness, and how I project my sadness unto other people.

I have such an incredible group of friends that love me and I’m not letting myself be loved by them and I messed up today and I only have one chance left to let them know how much I love them and how much they mean to me. This is important to me!
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I leave California for New York tomorrow, and I’ve been having extreme bouts of anxiety and frightening macabre thoughts, and I’ve just now realized that being away from familiarity won’t help.





SEPTEMBER 2014
Oh man, I had my first day of classes today! I had French early in the morning, in a really nice building, on the 15th floor and it had a really nice view and swivel chairs and like two boys, and then I had two English Major required classes, and I feel very accomplished, and now I’m sitting on this bed, eating mint dark chocolate I bought on my back to my building as a prize for surviving what I expected would be a bad day, listening to U2 as my roommates nap… I feel kind of ethereal right now.
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Oh, my GOD.

Today has been the most aggravating day in a while I was literally--oh my God.

I was walking back from class to my building when I got whistled at from this guy in a food truck. I always get extremely angry when things like this happen, so I ground my teeth and didn’t look around and he whistled again and I started walking faster and angrily got home where I spat out the incident to my roommate.

Immediately after this (I told my roommate what happened, grabbed my wallet, and headed out the door) I walked to Barnes & Noble, while texting my sister, chismeando about what happened, when I stop at a crosswalk and this construction worker’s like “Ey, mami, be careful you don’t wanna get that pretty body run over” and I choked on my own saliva, I said  "What was that?“ and he said "Nah nothing” so I, digging my nails into my palms, wait to be able to enter the crosswalk, when he approaches me and he says “So you headed back from lunch?” -“no”
“you headed to work?” -“no”
“you headed home?” -“no”
“you come around here?” -“no”
“Damn” -“Darn”
And he wished me a good day and I ignored him and I sped-walked away and I hyperventilated on my way Tribeca.
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On my way to class every morning I pass by this little tailor shop wedged underneath and between apartment buildings and every time I pass, whoever is walking in front of me waves at the tailor! It’s the same guy at the front desk every time, this tall, bald, friendly-looking guy, and he waves back! They all know him! He knows them all! I’ve seen like ten different people wave at him, day or night! I NOW FEEL CHALLENGED TO GET TO KNOW HIM AND BE ABLE TO WAVE AT HIM TOO, I WILL KEEP YOU UPDATED.
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Holy shit I have never been catcalled more times in my entire life than this past week I feel so gross and angry and unsafe and vulnerable and I know people have been through much worse but I’ve never had this happen to me until the past two weeks!  This is so gross! I got comments all day today, this guy at 7-11 was like "That’s gon' be 3.36... Damn… you’re so beautiful" and this parked truck driver honked at my friends and I, and then two men that walked past us were like "Y'all want me or the both of us at the same time!" and, then this man that walked past us made curve motions with his hands and was like "God bless you beautiful women” and I just want to OBLITERATE them I want one to attempt to touch me and honestly I'll just
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I spend all my money on chocolate bars with love poems inside.





OCTOBER 2014
Ohmygod, I just found out that Seven Nation Army doesn’t use bass it’s a f*&#!ng ACOUSTIC guitar what the hell.
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I was invited to a friend’s apartment for a whole bunch of our friends and her friends to hang out. She had another smaller thing two weeks ago so that I could meet all the Spanish-speaking friends she knows so that I could meet them, too (I don’t know a SINGLE other Spanish speaker in this school yet!) and I met a lot of cool people but then there was alcohol and my anxiety levels rose exponentially very quickly and it turned into a bad experience, and I don’t want to go this time because I’m already getting a shortness of breath and sweaty palms about it, I feel like I need to force myself to live through these uncomfortable situations so that I can become numb to them, but the overall feeling is one of self-deprecation because!!! I’m a grown girl I should be able to control my thoughts!!!

Okay but I bet I’ll be enlightened with a nice revelation later but right now my heart rate gets faster as the time to make a decision on whether I want to go or not approaches oh man

Update, I didn’t go but watch out you’re about to read one of the most pitiful things you’ll read this week: I know what music they’re listening to because of Spotify so it's like I’m basically there.
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Whenever I’m listening to Modern Vampires of the City absentmindedly, like while doing my homework or cleaning my room, I always have to stop and sit down to fully listen to ‘Hannah Hunt’ because the song feels hallowed somehow.
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Lately, before sleep time, I take a really hot shower.  I sit in the tub and let the hot water smack my back because we don’t have a tub stopper and I can’t take a bath. I sit with my legs crossed and I let my hair drip in front of my face as I crouch, and I figure I look adorable with my wet, curly hair. And I scrub my body with lavender and I see my skin turn red and I wonder what it’d be like for it to be raw and I quickly stop thinking about that and instead focus on scrubbing away all the negative energy I experienced and then I forgive myself for all the times I hated myself that day.
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I find comfort in knowing that I have created a pattern for myself where, every morning, without fail, I will get impatient with my tea and take a sip even though I know it’s hot, and I will burn my tongue. Every morning!
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I’ve been feeling especially superstitious lately and I’m freaking myself out– I almost finished typing a post joking about death and I deleted it before it could even be put out into the world.
I also spent the weekend in a Hispanic household so maybe those correlate.
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In my writing class I said “Bukowski” and “pretentious” in the same sentence and two boys I’ve never spoken to before just whipped their heads and very softly glared at me.
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I just had a spooky late-night walk to Starbucks to catch the last cup of coffee I could get before they close up and I cried a little on the walk back and I’m still upset but sipping warm coffee on my own softens the night.
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Thinking about Patti Smith makes me cry
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This is the fourth time this week I’ve listened to 'Dreams' at high volume and that’s how I’ll know in future inspections of my young life that this was truly a difficult period.
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I just came back from NYC’s Village Halloween Parade and I saw one white guy in a sombrero and poncho, one dressed as a mariachi player, one girl as a sugar skull, and two separate Twisty the Clown’s.









NOVEMBER 2014
I WAS JUST STUCK IN AN ELEVATOR THAT KEPT BOUNCING UP AND DOWN FOR THREE MINUTES AND EVEN THOUGH I’M DEFINITELY CRYING AND BLUBBERING ABOUT IT NOW IN THE SAFETY OF MY ROOM, I WOULD LIKE TO REPORT THAT I KEPT MY COOL AND BREATHED IN AND OUT AND I’M REALLY PROUD OF MYSELF.
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I JUST CAME BACK FROM A MAC DEMARCO CONCERT AND 
1) I THINK I GOT MILDLY HIGH FROM ALL THE SMOKE AND I’M KIND OF PANICKING 2) I AM A CHANGED WOMAN THAT WAS THE BEST CONCERT I HAVE EVER ATTENDED I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS

TURNS OUT I WAS JUST ECSTATIC BEYOND REASON
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Over the summer I decided my goal for my second year of school was going to be learn to trust again, to not feel uncomfortable with letting people see me unearthed, and in the past three days I have attempted to let myself be vulnerable a couple of times and every time I went to sleep thrusting about in my bed, wincing at my naiveté and lulling myself with heavy shame, because of a passing comment or an actual physical action and I feel I have enough knowledge of my own emotions to know that my reaction, when it gets like this, shouldn’t be to think that I should have known better?
Is there a way to get better at distinguishing which people are worth bleeding in front of because I! feel! so! uncentered! and! and! self-depricating! and these are my unfavorite feelings in the entire world
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Ana Kras and Devendra Banhart break up and for some reason I feel it deeply in my soul.






DECEMBER 2014
That connection you get with a classmate you’ve never talked to before when you both lock eyes and share a bewildered look when someone’s sharing their stupid opinion is what I go to school for.
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I SEE THE 1975 TOMORROW AT TERMINAL 5 AND THEY ALREADY PLAYED ONE SHOW TONIGHT BUT PEOPLE HAD CAMPED OUT SINCE 7AM OMG I’M GONNA THROW UP I NEED TO SEE THEM FRONT ROW I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS I DON’T WANNA CAMP OUT WITH OTHER PEOPLE
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I saw them front row.  I have post-concert depression.
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December 8th—just came back from kicking my French final’s ass.
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What are you supposed to do when you feel you’re about to overflow? i just hid in the stairwell for an hour, the first ten minutes were spent crying on the phone, and the entire time C. used a cheery voice, trying to deflect my sadness and pour in her fabricated happiness and I don’t blame her but she ended the call with “Okay? I don’t like hearing you sad, okay?” and that’s just it that’s it that’s why I feel so crazy when I cry, because it’s over asinine, minuscule things but I have let the sadness overstay its welcome and it continues to stay until I overflow and how am I supposed to let it go when nobody likes to be around when a person is sad? Is it because I’m an ugly crier I’ll practice if need be just