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12 July, 2013

I Already Forgot Everything You Said

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✍ CURRENTLY WRITING FROM: SAN DIEGO, CALIFORNIA

Today I bought myself my own flowers while I was picking up apples at Henry's.  I never realized how much I need to buy my own flowers on a frequent basis, but I'm glad I have.  I like knowing they're sitting someplace in my room, the other living thing in this space, and we both take care of each other.  These flowers and I.

I've been thinking a lot about places lately.  I don't think we'll ever truly be fully content anywhere.  We say we want the opposite of where we're at now, and then once we've escaped, we realize that we had what we sort of wanted all along and we regret leaving and we start lying on our floors face down more often than we used to and replaying For Emma, Forever Ago at an alarming frequency.  I've been panicking about this all day.  My entire life I've sat snug in my bubble of moving to New York and becoming a Times Best-Selling Author and developing my voice and in the process end up morphing into the character Andy Sachs from The Devil Wears Prada.  I dreamt of sidewalks and exposed brick walls and tall buildings and liveliness.  And now I'm realizing the ephemeralness of things and how I'm probably not going to find what I'm looking for if I move but at the same time feeling like if I don't, I'll regret it.  In my mind, I'm looking at this situation as a thing I'm afraid of doing, but if I actually do it, it'll be a brave thing to do.  Putting myself out there.  I'm also thinking a lot about the whole "It's not the place you're at, but the people you're with" way of living, and I keep scrunching my body up and feeling like I need to sleep it off.

I bought myself flowers and they made me cry a little bit, but I couldn't bring myself to play For Emma, Forever Ago, because the thought of forcing myself to be sad to let it out faster made me sick.

7 comments :

  1. I am sure you will have a blast in New York, but like they say, there is no place like home. Change is always going to be uncomfortable but life is all about chances; whether you take them or not is up to you :)
    Hit me up when you become a best selling author!
    xxx

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  2. you write beautifully:-) and i've felt similar feelings.. in the end i think it's always best to do what you want even though you feel you won't find what you're looking for. at least you won't regret it, and you never know, you might find something that's even better than what you imagined! x

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  3. Beautiful post.. I should bring myself flowers more often, since my boyfriend doesn't really do that. :)
    You seem like a remarkably lovely person. I'm glas you visited my blog some time ago so I could find you. x I hope you stop by again sometime.

    . indie by heart .
    Bloglovin'

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hey,
    nice post.. would you like to follow each other.!!!
    Keep in touch
    www.beingbeautifulandpretty.com

    ReplyDelete
  5. Es normal tener miedo cuando no sabemos que es lo que va a suceder cuando hagamos el cambio, pero en mi experiencia lo mejor es dar el salto siempre y cuando sigamos siendo fieles a nosotros mismos.

    Donde vivo no venden flores, solo hay una floristería que se especializa en centros de mesa para fiestas o coronas para funerales, y las dos cosas me deprimen.
    Extraño los puestos de flores de mi país donde se pueden comprar ramos de la flor que mas te guste o simplemente una flor para ir oliendo mientras das un paseo...

    Besitos desde Girls that glitter love the dark

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  6. I think it's ok to feel a bit lost sometimes. I certainly do but you never know, when it comes to places - you might not find what you're looking for but then again, it might be exactly what you're looking for. Life is so unpredictable. x

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  7. I bought flowers for myself the other day and it was such a pick me up. It is ok to be afraid of the unknown, but the unknown can also be exciting. I hope everything works out one way or another and you end up exactly where you're supposed to be :]

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Thank you, pal.