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19 April, 2012

I Hate Sleeping Alone. Alone. Alone.

✍ CURRENTLY WRITING FROM: SAN DIEGO, CALIFORNIA

Monumental things have happened to me.  So big, so incredible, so life-changing, that I’ve had to put it off and make sure that I do it justice in a post on the internet.

I took my first walk around my neighborhood.  By myself.

I’m afraid that I’m not translating the importance of this event clearly, so I’ll elaborate—I, Jessica Sandoval, gathered important belongings, like water, music, my cellphone, house keys, and, admittedly, a Swiss army knife, told my mother I’d be back soon, and walked out of my door.  My knees were shaking and I could feel my heart beating in my ears, but I still somehow walked off my property and out of the cul-de-sac, towards the park a few streets down.

I still don’t quite think I’m emphasizing enough on what this means to me—this means that my parents, who, for as long as I can remember asking, have denied my countless petitions to be able to go get the mail at the end of our street, fearing that I might get jumped on my way back, decided that I was able to go for a walk on my own.  Sure, it was one o’clock in the afternoon and most people were off at work, but I still felt daring.  And accomplished—I suddenly felt like a woman, like a grown-up, like I could truly defeat anything in my way.

I mean, I was walking the streets of my neighborhood on my own.  Daredevil, rebel, dissident, serious business.


That day I wore a cardinal ribbon in my hair, a blue blouse, and shoes that reminded me of the seventies.  I also wore my Lolita glasses (which I kick myself repeatedly for not photographing), which landed me a smile and a head nod from one of my neighbors while they were sweeping their driveway.


It was strange that I decided to take a walk, too—that morning I had woken up and stayed in bed until ten o’clock, a personal record.  The laptop on my lap was burning a hole through the duvet.  I glanced at my nightstand and noticed the three dry, crusty, empty mugs that once had hot chocolate or coffee.  The house was silent.  I could feel the lazy cells building up inside me.

I whipped the covers off of me.


I didn’t take my camera because I didn’t want to weigh myself down with it, but I simply had to take this picture.  I sat by myself on the solitary bench I found when I discovered I love the suburbs.  I sprawled on it and started reading The Bell Jar.  Everything was quiet, and I could hear the quiet in the air.  The air was sticky and humid, but the soft breeze ruffled my shirt in a way that made me the sad kind of nostalgic.

When I was almost finished reading The Bell Jar, two girls walked past the bench, pushing their bicycles up the hill.  They glanced at me and said “Hi!”  They were about thirteen.  I grinned and said “Hi!” back, and that I really liked their bikes (they had baskets on them, and baskets on bikes simply slay me).  They said thank you and continued to walk.  I heard one of them whisper “Did you see her heart glasses?  I want some.”

I got up from the bench and, with wobbly knees, made my way back to my home.

19 comments :

  1. How come your parents had never previously allowed you to walk out to get the mail? Ha ha, man I feel like we have a lot in common. I have that same feeling when I walk alone, kind of. When I walk I'm all jittery. Take a picture with those glasses and post them soon! And congratulations on this little-big victory! :3

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    1. Yeah, I don't know what that was, but I was really nervous! First time nerves, I hope! And they were pretty set on "We can't let you be exposed to the dangers of the world!1!" and "It's not that we don't trust you, we don't trust other people."

      And that made me really afraid to be outside, actually, but they finally let me! (Which is why I felt so GROWN UP and whatnot.)

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  2. Such pretty pictures! Also, way to enjoy what looks like a beautiful day. There's no better combination than the warm sun and a good book.

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  3. Walking just for the sake of walking just feels amazing, don't you agree? I like to take walks alone around my area as well :)

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    1. Exactly! Before, when we walked to have breakfast or to walk to the pool, it wasn't really walking just to walk, but walking just cause feels just so nice! (Man that was an abuse of italics but my point is made!)

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  4. I willa dmit, the suburbs have their merits - can't sprawl on a park bench and read easily here in the big city. Glad you had fun! :)

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    1. Oh my gosh, no offense to the city, but this is yet another con that hadn't even crossed my mind before!

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  5. the last photo is gorgeous!

    xx, Sabinna and David
    Broken Cookies

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  6. Walks like that are the best. You just don't have anywhere to be, you don't need to hurry or slow down... You can just enjoy!

    By the way, I am so curious to see those heart sunglasses! ;-)

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  7. I love this post, so cute. Going for a walk and finding somewhere nice to read is such a great feeling!
    Charlotte

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  8. Sounds like you had a nice day! Your area looks really nice. I haven't taken a proper walk-walk in a long long time, or read a book outside.

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  9. gret picture - your neighbourhood looks beautiful! x

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  10. So pretty! The photos on your blog are always so amazing!

    PS. We’ve a $75 Giveaway to PLNDR on our blog! Check it out, if you’d like :)

    ox from NYC!
    davie+erica

    LPFashionPhilosophy

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  11. this is wonderful, such a beautiful and obviously significant moment for you!
    so happy dear, reading your words is like night time stories. amazing xx

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    1. Oh my goodness, that made me well up and squeal into my arm-- thank you so much, I'm keeping this one forever.

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  12. i love this. running away to read alone is the best xx

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  13. What a fantastic post, such beautiful writing. I think I can understand how you felt, I used to feel very anxious being out in public on my own. I'm glad you're tackling your fear, there is so much to see in the world.

    Also, how are you liking the Bell Jar? I loved it!

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Thank you, pal.